


so this is the world; it is beautiful

by lonelyghosts



Series: we will make a new world [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Academia, Fictional Religion & Theology, Gen, Heteronormativity, Homophobia, Misunderstandings, National Public Radio, Not Canon Compliant - The Homestuck Epilogues, Social Media, Tumblr, Twitter, a guide by the homestuck cast, a vast error cameo, and how off the mark everyone except the gays were, dealing with newfound fame as a traumatized teen, in a world that worships you and feels entitled to your life story, of the historical variety, the davekat and rosemary is explicit, the vrisrezi and janeroxycallie are implied/pre relationship respectively, troll racism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2020-10-26 23:04:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20750252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelyghosts/pseuds/lonelyghosts
Summary: The gods come home.





	1. my bones are tired; i want to feel peace again

**Author's Note:**

> not epilogue compliant. callie is nonbinary + transfeminine, roxys a trans bi girl and janes not a fascist (im still upset about that wtf), davekat got together on the meteor, dirk and jake hashed out their issues and dealt with it but they aren’t dating anymore. also if i used your username then it was by complete accident lmao. 
> 
> coding skin from repository by phantomdare1, albeit very much edited. title is a line from the late mary oliver (check her out; her work was super focused on nature and self-love and self-forgiveness and peace, and it's very good. also she was a lesbian), it's from her poem 'october'. 
> 
> ugh i worked so hard on this coding...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Internet reacts to: gods, coming home.

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
me: [hears a perfectly normal noise]  
me: [automatically assumes its my Evil Bitch of an ex] April 13th 7

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
like. paranoia is singlehandedly the Worst. i hate it so much. April 13th 13

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
ugh okay i'm going to go check it out bc if it's maisie barking + i dont stop her then the neighbors will hate me and i dont need that  
if i die please dont let the release the frog tweet be my legacy it wasnt even that good a post it was just dumb April 13th 10

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
uhhhhhhhhh okay this is weird. fuck April 13th 2

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
i looked out my window and theres a bunch of people that i think are acolytes (theyre wearing sburb god robes? idk religion i just love the witch of space ok) standing in my front yard... i am absolutely getting murdered April 13th 353

[is ranting constantly]   
@evilplants   
@purplefrog is there maybe a convention or religious gathering happening nearby?? April 13th 9

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
@evilplants the last big convention was in march and the nearest one going on today is like 50 miles from here April 13th 9

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
also they're just like.... wandering around here and theres no transporation in sight April 13th 21

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
(okay an aside here but does anyone know if acolytes have to swear a vow of celibacy???? the witch of space acolyte is wearing these little white dog ears and the prettiest black hair and the cutest smile im so fucking GAY) April 13th 108871

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
alright im going outside to see what theyre doing here. im gonna bring maisie with though jic things get out of hand and theyre like cultists or something April 13th 56459

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
HOOOOOLY SHIT April 13th 178k1.01m

[A shaky vertical video of the girl described in an earlier tweet. She is tall and has dark skin, long black hair, a pair of white dog ears on her head, and is wearing a Witch of Space godrobe outfit. She smiles at the camera and says, "Watch this!" before bringing her hands up to her face like one would a camera, framing the collie that is at the filmer's side. She then jerks both her hands away from her face as if zooming in, and the dog suddenly expands, now large enough to reach the tall girl's face, as the filmer yells "HOLY SHIT!" The collie licks the girl's face, and the girl laughs. "Is that good enough?" she asks the filmer, and the filmer breathes "Uh, yeah." The video ends.]

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
THE HEIR OF BREATH ACOLYTE(??? I GUESS NOT ANYMORE) WAS LIKE "HI WE'RE YOUR CREATORS" AND GOES ON ABOUT HOW BASICALLY HE AND HIS FRIENDS ARE THE GODS AND IM LIKE????? ARE YOU OKAY HOW MUCH WEED DID YOU TAKE April 13th 94.5k 612k

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
AND HIS CUTE FRIEND IN THE WITCH OF SPACE OUTFIT WAS LIKE "JOHN, STOP CONFUSING THEM! I'LL JUST SHOW THEM! YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET YOUR PHONE OUT" (which i did because i listen when a cute girl says things to me) AND JUST. DID THAT.  April 13th 55k441k

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
we're just. sitting on my couch now i guess April 13th 162k711k

[An image of a short, broad male troll with nubby horns and curly hair, a tall and lanky boy with dark brown skin and blonde, afro-textured hair, and a shorter, chubby girl who seems to be his sister from their shared hair color and texture as well as skin tone, sitting on a beat-up brown couch together. The troll seems to be in the middle of talking, his hands waving in the air at a mile a minute, with the boy talking to him with a joking smile on his face, and the girl in the midst of rolling her eyes. The girl is wearing the godhood robes of the Seer of Light, the troll is wearing the godhood robes of the Knight of Blood, and the boy is wearing the godhood robes of the Knight of Time, a pair of black aviator shades on his face.]

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
my phone is actually exploding rn im getting so many text messages and dms. i called the police? i didnt know who else to call lol April 13th 10.1k49k

Angelica ♥️   
@TheKnightsDisciple   
@purplefrog Obviously this is fake. There aren't any gods who look like that, except perhaps the Knight of Blood for the troll. People will do anything for attention. April 13th 2811.3k

academia is a Bitch sometimes   
@purplefrog   
anyways a bunch of government officials and reporters have shown up on my front lawn and the gods (??) are leaving. but the cute girl kissed my cheek when she said bye and im swooning i think i might be in love April 13th 50719k

CNN   
@CNN   
BREAKING NEWS: THE GODS CONFIRMED, PRESS ANNOUNCEMENT TO FOLLOW April 13th 787.1k2.91m

theologicalofficial

> If you couldn't watch the stream of the gods press conference or couldn't get through the transcripts, here is a brief breakdown of what happened.
> 
>   * The Gods confirmed that they are, you know, Gods, by demonstrating their powers.
>   1. The Heir of Breath created a small, contained tornado.
>   2. The Seer of Light shot out light from her hands, nearly blinding everyone in the room.
>   3. The Witch of Space briefly teleported and returned with Charon, Pluto’s moon, shrunken down in the palm of her hand. She then teleported back to return it.
>   4. A future version of the Knight of Time entered the room and answered a question before it was asked.
>   5. The Maid of Life sliced open her palm and then healed the wound.
>   6. The Rogue of Void just … made a pumpkin? She was kind of sheepish about it, said it was habit for her at this point.
>   7. The Prince of Heart refused to use his powers, saying it only worked on sentient beings such as humans, carapacians, consorts, cherubs, and trolls and that "it'd fuck someone up faster than a summer day in Houston Texas without air conditioning", adding that he wasn't that proficient at reversing the damage. He offered to demonstrate his skill with the katana instead, but the Seer of Light immediately vetoed that idea.
>   8. The Page of Hope created a impenetrable white bubble around the tip of his finger, stating that it was 'made of hope'. An attempt to stab it open did not work.
>   9. The Sylph of Space touched an orchid seed provided by the Rogue of Void and it immediately blossomed into an orchid in the prime of its blossom.
>   10. The Knight of Blood demonstrated his abilities when a particularly annoying reporter asked him an intrusive question; he touched the reporter with a finger and the reporter apologized and rephrased the question in a much kinder manner. He continued to behave this way throughout the press conference.
>   11. The Muse of Space touched the Rogue of Void's shoulder and the Rogue created an incredibly complicated futuristic device that seemed to function as a game board, complete with hologram and interactive controls. The Rogue stated that she would not have been able to create such an item without the Muse's aid.
>   * The Gods confirmed that they do possess names! The Heir of Breath is 'John Egbert', the Seer of Light is 'Rose Lalonde', the Witch of Space is ‘Jade Harley’, the Knight of Time is ‘Dave Strider’, the Maid of Life is ‘Jane Crocker’, the Rogue of Void is ‘Roxy Lalonde’, the Prince of Heart is ‘Dirk Strider’, the Page of Hope is ‘Jake English’, the Sylph of Space is ‘Kanaya Maryam’, the Knight of Blood is ‘Karkat Vantas’, the Muse of Space is 'Calliope', the Thief of Light is 'Vriska Serket', the Seer of Mind is 'Terezi Pyrope', the Maid of Time is 'Aradia Megido', and the Mage of Doom is 'Sollux Captor'.
>   * For those wondering where the Thief of Light, the Seer of Mind, the Maid of Time, and the Mage of Doom are, Karkat Vantas stated that the Maid and Mage fought in the battle against Lord English, and did not return. The Thief's location and status is unknown. The Seer is pursuing a quest of her own. He did however say that with a lot more cursing.
>   * The gods have said that they will have a live online Q&A for the public as well, which will take place online. It will take place April 20th at this link.

**Livestream Q&A: we're gods i guess**

**612111413 watching**

"Uh, okay, here we go I guess," Dirk scrolls through to find a question. The others are splayed around him on the floor and the large leather couch in twos and threes, largely quiet. Dinner just finished- Dave is sipping at a glass of apple juice from a straw, and Jane has a milk mustache on her upper lip that she refuses to wipe off. It's surprisingly domestic.

"Oh, here's a good one. User minecraft4life- nice username, dude- asks 'how is the server even holding up at this point?' I can see why you'd ask that, we've got like 600 million people watching right now."

Jane smiles brightly down at Roxy. "Thank Rolal! She made a special server room for exactly this purpose! We're all incredibly lucky to have a friend that's so talented!" 

The friend in question flushes a little and waves it off, eyes crinkling softly over at Jane. "Oh, it wasn't all me. I never would have been able to do it without Callie's help. She was an absolute angel!" 

"Aaah, stop it, you're too kind!" Cherubs can't blush, but Calliope seems to be trying her level best regardless. Dirk rolls his eyes at the mushy display of affection, but he's also smiling on the inside. The three of them are good for one another, in all honesty. Now if he could just get them to stop dancing around their feelings and actually get together.

Dirk scrolls farther again. One question keeps coming up, and they do need to answer it eventually- if only because the rest of the world is nosy as hell, and a lot of them will want some peace and quiet- they won't be able to get that if everyone keeps wanting to know what happened. Best to get it over with.

"Ugh, okay. User suddenlyreligious and about a million others are asking 'what happened during the Game?'"

Dave puts down his apple juice and stretches. "Oh boy, here we go."

"Of course we would receive questions like this," Rose draws out her words, exasperated. "It is the nature of humanity, trollkind, carapacians, and consorts to be invasive. I should have expected nothing else."

"Well, there's no way they could have known what happened," Jade, ever the one to stick up for someone else, points out, but her heart clearly isn't in it.

Roxy nods. "True enough, me'n'Dirk were prepared for the Game and it was still enough to traumatize us, how are they supposed to know?"

Kanaya bites her lip, a fang sliding out. "Some things are personal, however. Much of it is still difficult to speak of; these are topics I am not willing to talk about with any individual except for those who have also experienced it."

Karkat, who has been uncharacteristically silent up till now, chimes in. "Let's just leave it at 'the Game was incredibly traumatizing for everyone involved and every fucking person who goes through it comes out with a metric fuckton of psychological trauma, so we'd all prefer if you didn't get up our asses about it like a barkbeast discovering that its owner has bacon balls."

Dirk turns back to the monitor that's recording this and nods in agreement at the trolls' statements. "We don't mind talking about some of the specific events or myths that come up but asking us flat out 'what happened' isn't going to get you much of an answer. Because a fuckton of shit happpened, and 99.9% of it was fucking awful."

Another question catches his eye and he peers at the screen. "Uh... user godshipper- which, _oh no_\- asked 'which of the 'romance myths' were true?' There were romance myths?"

There are a few moments of silence as people start Googling to find out what, exactly, Earth C thought their romantic lives had been like. Dave evidently gets to it first, because he spits out a bunch of apple juice on his front in surprise. The more he reads of the Wikipedia article, the more he understands why. Rose starts snickering, Jade facepalms, Kanaya stares at her phone with the most aghast look on her face. John shifts uncomfortably as Roxy starts laughing so hard that Dirk briefly wonders if she's having a seizure. Calliope and Jane frown at their screens. Jake starts rubbing his temples. Karkat is for once rendered speechless.

"Y'all really were ridiculously heterosexual about us," Dave gasps finally once he's stopped coughing and hiccuping after choking on an ill-advised sip he took of apple juice, having evidently thought halfway through that he couldn't be surprised by the depths of heteronormativity that people were willing to sink to. "Wow."

Rose snakes an arm around Kanaya's waist and draws her girlfriend closer in faux outrage. "How could anyone believe that you and I were simply 'gal pals', Kanaya? Even for a moment? I am shocked. I am horrified. I have never been one for public displays of affection, but I shall endeavor to prove to the world that you and I are in a love to rival the ages."

"I can't believe that you just said that you 'haven't ever been one for public displays of affection', Lalonde," Karkat says, shaking himself out of his stupor. "Were we on the same meteor? I distinctly remember you running to Dave at least four times a perigee for romantic advice like a dumbass wriggler who'd never read Troll Dear Abby in her life."

"You wore a prom dress to your first date, and you weren't even sure that it _was_ a date," Dave chimes in, voice wavering with suppressed laughter. "Y'all danced around each other for like, two years and I don't think you'd ever have gotten your shit together if not for Vriska-"

The room hushes.

Dirk never really met Vriska Serket. Oh, he met her once, in the midst of the Game, when she dropped off the head of a dead troll and told him to use it to make his sprite alongside Hal, and that really wasn't a basis for an assessment of her personality. He's only heard about her from other people- Kanaya, her ex-moirail, Dave, who was her friend on the meteor and who talked with her about 'personal stuff', Karkat, who grew up with her, Jade, who suffered indirectly at her hands, John, who knew her for a few days and who has difficulty talking about her, Rose, who hung out with her at times and who admits she never would have started recovery for her alcoholism if not for Vriska's help- but the picture that their stories paint is not pretty. A girl with issues that rival Dirk's own- a murderer and a hero. They don't talk about her a lot because it's hard to, because some of them loved her and some of them hated her and some of them don't know how to feel, and because Vriska Serket's absence comes with a price.

Dirk knows this- if not for Vriska Serket, then Terezi Pyrope would probably be here with them.

He also knows this- if not for Vriska Serket, they'd probably all be dead.

Karkat breaks the silence by coughing and announcing, "Anyways, to answer your question, yes Rose and Kanaya are dating. Aradia and Sollux dated, although I don't know what quadrant they were in? I was never all that involved in their romantic lives. Dave and Terezi aren't dating, what the hell. Jade and I aren't dating."

"I deserve better than him, anyways," Jade announces loftily, head tilted back and chin held high. "He is an idiot."

"You're right and you should say it," Kanaya mumbles, patting Jade's hair absentmindedly.

"Also," Karkat squints at his screen, "Vriska and John weren't in love? What the bulgehumping fuck?"

The room tenses just a little again, but Dirk supposes the concept of Vriska and John dating must be ridiculous enough to overcome it. "Yeah, uh," John rubs at the back of his neck, "I knew her at the age of thirteen and I didn't talk to her for more than a couple of days?"

Karkat nods. "Besides, these days he has a crush on-"

He's cut off by John launching himself across the room and tackling Karkat, yelling for him to shut up. It devolves from there into a pile of wrestling when Dave decides to throw his hat in the ring and defend his boyfriend's honor, and eventually Roxy has to pull all three of them apart, her biceps muscles straining. Dirk can see Jane and Callie staring, transfixed by Roxy's strong arms.

When it's all over and the three of them are back in their seats again- albeit significantly more unkempt than before- Dirk moves on to the next question. "User supperbabes asks 'what was your home like before the game? Were there difference between then and now?"

Jake, who has thus far been relatively silent, is the first to answer. "Well, I haven't been much able to see if there are many differences between our worlds! Largely I feel it seems the same, though!"

Rose makes an elegant shrugging motion. "It has been different for all of us, I believe. Dave, Jade, John and I all grew up on the same world, which ended in 2009 CE, which was far different from Karkat and Kanaya's. Jane and Jake's ended in 2012, when they were 16, so they've found a few more differences between this world and ours as they were old enough to be more aware of the politics and current- well, I say current- events of Earth. Of course it is unimaginably different for Dirk and Roxy- at least, I would think so," she glances at Roxy, who is nodding in agreement.

"So many more people," Dirk remarks. "And food, and noise, and just more of everything? It feels like a fucking excess to me, but maybe that's just my upbringing talking. And we're not even mentioning Callie."

The cherub in question hugs her knees to her chest. "It's better," she says softly, and nothing else. Jane puts a large, soft hand on Callie's knee and leans her head on her shoulder in an offer of comfort that Callie takes, curling closer to Jane's soft and scarred body.

Dirk turns back to the screen and finds a bunch of new messages pouring in in response to their answers. "Hey, uh, user redvinesbitch asks 'WAIT WHAT you guys were from different worlds? When they talked about different origins pretty much everyone took it to mean that yall were from different countries except for the Rogue and Prince being from the future?' Jesus, historians here really suck."

"Oh whoops lmao," Roxy sniggers, moving herself down closer to Callie, who's now got her head resting on Jane's. It's cute, Dirk has to admit.

"I confess the more I hear of the cultural perceptions of us and of this religion's beliefs surrounding us the more disappointed I become," Kanaya sighs. Rose nods empathetically from her position snuggled into the crook of Kanaya's armpit.

"On our world, 'Earth-B' as it ended up being called, where Jade, John, Dave and I lived, there were no trolls, carapacians, or consorts. Humans were the sole intelligent race on this planet."

"'Twas the same fashion on Jane and I's world as well, although there was a singular troll we hadn't the slightest idea of- the dastardly Condesce, grooming Jane to become her successor," Jake adds. He looks as if he's going to say more but bites his lip- they still haven't talked about the way that the Condesce manipulated Jane, the things Jane did, unwillingly, to Jake, and the marks it's left on all of them. And now is not the time or the place.

"As you guys know, Roxy and I lived on a future version of Jane and Jake's world," Dirk takes it up, gesturing at his sister with one hand. "Roxy was raised by carapacians, and I raised myself- the human race was extinct because of the fucking Condesce. So two humans, one troll, and carapacians. That was the whole fucking population."

Karkat clears his throat. "Alternia was where Kanaya and I grew up, and there were only trolls there. And it fucking sucked." The casual slouch of his shoulder and the nonchalance of his tone do nothing to hide the way his hands shake. "It's none of y'all's fucking business-" Dirk has to stifle a laugh at Karkat's use of Southern slang, undoubtedly picked up from Dave- "so I'll tell you that there was a blood-based hemocaste system where I was the lowest of the low, and we'll leave it at that."

Kanaya, sensing Karkat's discomfort, picks it up. "At the top was the Condesce and her possible successor, the Heiress, with their tyrian blood- then violets, then purples, then indigos, then ceruleans, teal, jade, olive, yellow, bronze, and rust at the bottom. Karkat has, as I'm sure is known, scarlet blood, a mutation which is treason in itself. I assume there are perhaps more colors now that have been allowed to flourish- one, perhaps, being lime, which was driven extinct many many sweeps- or years, as humans would say- ago for their abilities, though the extinction was not entirely perfect. In fact I believe that Karkat is a mutated limeblood."

"Jegus, Kanaya, just drop all my fucking blood baggage on these motherfuckers, don't hold a single iota of my personal shit back," Karkat mutters, but his muscles untense and his hands stop shaking- relieved that he didn't have to explain all his personal trauma, Dirk supposes. He can understand that.

"I think blood baggage sounds frankly delicious, Karkat," Kanaya replies primly, "so I fail to see your point."

"Speaking of which, this one's for you, Kanaya," Dirk inserts himself in the conversation. "The user vampfan asked 'are you REALLY a vampire-slash rainbow drinker, Miss Maryam? What's that like?'" Dirk turns and raises his eyebrows at Kanaya. "Well?"

The slow smile that emerges on Kanaya's lips is... ominous, and Dirk doesn't have to wait long to find out why. "Why yes, I am a rainbow drinker. I would be happy to shed some light on the matter."

The collective groan that echoes across the room does nothing to dull Kanaya's self-satisfaction at the pun. Rose shakes her head. "Kanaya, my darling and dearest, I love you, but that was simply _awful_."

"Excuse you, Rose, it was wonderful," Kanaya retorts, just as prim. "In any case, the myths surrounding rainbow drinkers have been both true and false. I do need blood to sustain me, but it does not matter if it is troll or human."

Rose smirks at that, and Dirk has never wished more desperately for some brain bleach to remove an image from his brain.

Kanaya continues. "However, it is not as though I cannot eat, or as if I cannot enjoy food; it simply does not sustain me. And I have some tastes now I never would have thought to indulge in before. An example: I am quite fond of raw steaks." Down her feet, Jade nods enthusiastically- apparently it's a shared taste.

"She doesn't even use a fork or knife," Dave nudges Karkat, who nods in agreement, wrinkling his nose. "She just tears into it with her teeth. It's actually disgusting to watch."

"Actually, I think it's quite hot," Rose interrupts. Kanaya's cheeks bloom a bright green at the statement, and she whispers something into Rose's ear that makes her smirk.

"Ooooookay, we're stopping the stream there," Dave decides, turning to the monitor and saluting the chat. "I didn't need to know that and I have a feeling it's just going to get worse if the stream keeps going. Thanks, though, y'all have mostly been a treat."

Dirk finds himself in agreement. He dips his head at the millions of viewers and turns off the stream, and that's how the first week that Earth C has with her gods ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from a poem by a now-deactivated tumblr user who had the url 'thorsbian' entitled 'conversation with the mountain lioness'; you can find it [here.](https://vriskadyke.tumblr.com/post/188589436931)


	2. thank god it's this universe we're in (and not the one we left behind)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Internet grapples with: Trolls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> coming back and editing this to add: this chapter features mentions of fantastic racism. i largely dont think that fantastic racism as a concept is .... great? but i do think it would be something that would exist on earth c, just cause humans suck. 
> 
> the title of this chapter is an amalgamation of the title of a bnha dabi/hawks fic i read [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16501667/chapters/38649728) and ee cummings' poem xiv (pity this busy monster, manunkind).

lovebot   
@bitchyrustblood   
i'm still in shock that 1) the gods exist and are REAL and 2) they look like me! #trollgods  
April 27th 4 65

gilly @ da4 spoilers   
@merrillstan   
im kind of sad that the seer of light (do i call her rose lalonde now?) isnt one of the #trollgods... oh well! im still really happy that shes Actually into girls  
April 27th 1 14

* * *

mikelesbian

> gods and mythological figures that have been confirmed to be trolls, with pictures!
> 
> in order, they are: 
> 
>         1. the knight of blood aka karkat vantas
>         2. the sylph of space aka kanaya maryam
>         3. the seer of mind aka terezi pyrope
>         4. the thief of light aka vriska serket (pictures of her are blurry and indistinct, but still exist!)
>         5. the maid of time aka aradia megido
>         6. the mage of doom aka sollux captor
>         7. the page of breath aka tavros nitram
>         8. the rogue of heart aka nepeta leijon
>         9. the heir of void aka equius zahhak
>         10. the bard of rage aka gamzee makara
>         11. the prince of hope aka eridan ampora
>         12. the witch of life aka feferi peixes
>         13. the thief of life aka meenah peixes
> 
> others that we don’t have any pictures of include the witch of time, the rogue of breath, the heir of doom, the mage of heart, the seer of blood, the maid of space, the knight of mind, the sylph of light, the page of void, the prince of rage, and the bard of hope. apparently their names were damara, rufioh, mituna, meulin, kankri, porrim, latula, aranea, horuss, kurloz, and cronus respectively! 
> 
> there were a couple others that were apparently troll hybrids- the wandering knight of change (davepeta) and the royal of secrets (arquius). there aren’t any photos of them either, i’m afraid. 
> 
> image descriptions for those who can't see the pictures below the cut!
> 
> Read More

* * *

* * *

Waifu Enthusiast   
@waifuasuka   
Why is everyone so enthusiastic about these #TrollGods when we know that trolls are violent and dangerous...  
April 27th 13 86

sasuke was right   
@gayourlife   
@waifuasuka you're a racist sack of shit and you will die screaming.  
April 27th 9 102

knowledge is for the gays   
@curiosityscat   
everyone is talking about troll racism (and dont get me wrong its an important discussion to have) but im just wondering about the 'planet' that the #TrollGods talked about on that stream. what was it like? how does it compare to troll culture and life today? im so full of questions!  
April 27th 22 111

* * *

## NPR: Kanaya Maryam And Karkat Vantas On Alternia, Troll Culture, And Adjusting To A New World

Published 12:00 PM CST, May 13th

Transcript:

**Ira Glass **For us, this world is all we've ever known. We've grown up here, we've lived here, we've never been able to see a world where things were different. But just one month ago, eleven individuals who knew vastly different worlds landed in the backyard of a freshman college student on spring break and changed the world as we know it. These eleven individuals were the Gods of old times, and since their arrival, we've had to grapple with truths we'd never even considered- specifically the fact that many of the gods we'd thought to be human were trolls. From WBEZ Chicago, it's _This American Life_. I'm Ira Glass. Today, we have the stories of two individuals uniquely suited to speaking about this; Karkat Vantas, god of blood and bonds, and Kanaya Maryam, goddess of nurturing and creation. Stay with us. 

**Act One: A New World.**

**Ira Glass **Karkat Vantas, otherwise known as the Knight of Blood, is sixteen years old, despite being a god. He is one of the two 'troll gods' on Earth today. Thank you for being here, Mr. Vantas. 

**Karkat Vantas **Yeah, yeah. Everyone was asking for an interview and y'all just happened to be the ones who didn't seem like the utter worst. 

**Ira Glass **He is accompanied by the other troll deity; goddess of nurturing and creation Kanaya Maryam. Maryam is sixteen years old and happens to also be known as the Sylph of Space. Thank you for being here as well, Miss Maryam.

**Kanaya Maryam** It is my pleasure. Karkat is right to say that of the distributors of current events, your company happened to be particularly appealing, although with some of the offers we received, that was not a particularly high bar. 

**Ira Glass **Thank you. Now, your arrival here on Earth created quite an uproar; I don't think anyone expected something like this.

**Karkat Vantas **Well, who'd expect a bunch of fucking teenage gods to suddenly barge in and go WHAT'S UP FUCKERS? 

**Kanaya Maryam **It's almost as if the Handmaid had landed on one of the troll empire's many planets and held a conference with the reporterrors, though I suppose the Condesce would not have been particularly pleased by such an event.

**Ira Glass **Who's the Handmaid- actually, no, we'll get back to that. What was it like to arrive in this world?

**Kanaya Maryam **A relief, to say the least.

**Karkat Vantas **Yeah, I think just about four thousand tons of stress dropped off my shoulders just seeing this fucking planet. Like, fucking finally. It was two fucking sweep and change of waiting for this shit.

**Ira Glass **My apologies, what's a sweep?

**Karkat Vantas **Oh, I almost forgot you fuckers don't use the objectively correct units of measurement. Our species didn't use 'years' or 'months' or whatever, we used sweeps.

**Kanaya Maryam **A sweep is approximately a year and a half in your measurements. Our 'Game' lasted around four years; a little over two sweeps.

**Ira Glass **Interesting. How has life here on Earth been treating you?

**Kanaya Maryam **There are no words for the relief it is to be able to relax and live peacefully, without threat of imminent death hanging over our heads. I cannot say that I am entirely used to it.

**Karkat Vantas **Yeah, I'm so fucking relieved that it's over. No more fighting with a bulgelicking relic of Alternia, no more gigantic evil sword-wielding Jack fuckers, none of that shit.

**Ira Glass **So you have a positive opinion of this planet? 

**Kanaya Maryam** In all honesty, Mr. Glass, this world could not have possibly been worse than the one we left behind.

**Karkat Vantas** Why the fuck do you say shit like that, Kanaya? You _know_ that's just going to jinx it, right? With our luck, this world'll get hit by a meteor and we'll all die in two weeks just because the universe is listening to us and simply fucking loves to make us suffer.

**Kanaya Maryam** My apologies, Karkat. But I do believe that this life will be a better one than the destinies that awaited us on Alternia.

**Ira Glass** What is it about our planet that makes you think so, may I ask?

**Kanaya Maryam** Well, for one, there is no fear of imminent death and destruction for us... and having 'won the Game', so to speak, we are all effectively immortal, even those of us who did not go God-tier within the Game. Do not ask what that means- I fear it will take up far too much of our time.

**Ira Glass** I'll take your word for it. Anything else?

**Karkat Vantas** Well, for one, murder is actually and without a fucking stipulation illegal here, so already its law system is about four hundred units above that of the place we left. Also, way better food. I swear to gog I'm gonna turn into a fucking helium blimp, this food is so good.

**Ira Glass** Wait, I'm sorry. Murder isn't-or, well, wasn't... illegal on your world? 

**Kanaya Maryam** No, it was not. Alternia operated on a 'barkbeast eat barkbeast'- my apologies, dog eat dog world. If one was not strong enough to protect oneself, well, then, one had it coming. 

**Ira Glass** I suppose that's as good a way as any to move on to our next segment. Coming up, life on Alternia and in the troll empire. This is National Public Radio, and we'll be back in a minute.

**Act Two: Life On Alternia.**

**Ira Glass** Welcome. I'm Ira Glass, and you're listening to National Public Radio. Today, we're discussing the lives and pasts of the gods, and the differences between our world and the ones they've left behind. This is Act Two, Life on Alternia, and I'm here with Karkat Vantas, Knight of Blood, and Kanaya Maryam, Sylph of Space. We also have two new special guests who have joined us; Dave Strider, Knight of Time, and Rose Lalonde, Seer of Light.

**Rose Lalonde** Thank you, Mr. Glass. I must admit that being here is in some ways a dream come true for my thirteen year old self. As a child I listened to this show- or rather, my world's version of it- quite frequently, so it's a pleasure to be here, even if it is as emotional support for my lovely girlfriend.

**Dave Strider** Yeah, well, unlike my sis here, I wasn't a nerd growing up, so I have no fuckin clue what this show's about. I'm just here for my boy Karkat.

**Ira Glass** Regardless of your reasons, your presence is appreciated. Now, you mentioned life on Alternia was far worse than the life you've led so far here. Could you elaborate on what you meant by that, both of you?

**Kanaya Maryam** I do not believe the true extent of what Alternia's environment consisted of can be conveyed through words, but I will do my best. I shall start with the basic facts.

**Kanaya Maryam** Alternia was only one of the many planets that spanned the troll empire. It was originally the home planet for all trolls, but after two rebellions that changed. One was led by Karkat's ancestor, the Signless, and the other led by a believer in the Signless's teachings, the Summoner, who was the ancestor of Tavros Nitram, or the 'Page of Breath' as he is called by this world's people. After that, all adults were forced to leave Alternia and never returned, excepting those of the jadeblood caste- my caste- who stayed on the planet with the Mothergrub and tended to it. There are many planets in the Alternian empire, but none of us have seen them.

**Kanaya Maryam** There were two moons on Alternia; the sunlight was deadly to nearly everyone, excepting jadebloods, who could withstand it. I personally loved the sun, and was quite disappointed to hear others were not as fond of it.

**Karkat Vantas** That's a great fucking way to say "I tried to drag Karkat outside once and he got third-degree burns", Kanaya.

**Rose Lalonde** Not this again.

**Kanaya Maryam** I made my apologies!

**Karkat Vantas** I'm not getting into this bullshit again in public. What else about Alternia. Uh, your human concept of 'homophobia' wasn't really a thing there, we got over that huge pile of festering discharge way before you did.

**Kanaya Maryam** Such was not the case for the concept of transphobia. That was still alive and well, as I can attest.

**Karkat Vantas** Everyone was fucking obsessed with war, too. If I remember my schoolfeeding right- and my schoolfeeding not only sucked screaming shameglobe ass but was also three fucking years ago, so take this with a grain of sodium chloride- our empire took part in forty three million wars, subdued eight thousand six hundred thirty-three planets- not counting the unoccupied ones- enslaved five thousand separate races, and utterly destroyed eighty two civilizations. We didn't fuck around. 

**Ira Glass** Clearly. 

**Kanaya Maryam** There was a horrorterror in Alternia's ocean that could destroy the entire civilization- except perhaps the Condesce, our ruler- with a single wail if she wanted to. We had no such concept as 'parents'- I had never heard of the idea until I met Rose. Instead, we were raised by lusii, animals which took care of us. For some, this was a blessing- I was raised by a Virgin Mothergrub who had abdicated, and she was very dear to me. For others this was less so- Vriska being a prime example.

**Kanaya Maryam** It was a very violent society. Killing was not dissuaded. Vriska, for example, killed hundreds of people before the age of thirteen, though she had her own good reasons for doing so. It was the commonly accepted view that this was an evolutionary fact, that violence was in the genetics of trolls- though now we understand that this is not true at all. The most minor of offenses were punishable by death- one particular offense was writing erotic stories about Troll Law and Order characters, which seems quite funny but is also disturbing, that such things could be punishable by death. Of course, such laws were enforced selectively.

**Karkat Vantas** Which brings us to the crowning shitstain of it all, the hemocaste.

**Ira Glass** You're referring to the fact that trolls have a range of blood colors?

**Karkat Vantas** No, having different blood colors wasn't the problem. The problem was the caste system surrounding it.

**Ira Glass **Could you elaborate on that?

**Kanaya Maryam**The highbloods- cerulean, indigo, purple, violet- they possessed immense power. Tealbloods, jadebloods, and olivebloods did not suffer as much from discrimination, but to be below olive was to be worthless. One had no rights or abilities or prospects as a lowblood- all people had little control over their fate, but lowbloods had it worst of all. As a jadeblood, the only destiny I had was tending to the Mothergrub. I would be forever doomed to live in the dark, unable to see the sun. Purplebloods largely became juggalos, practicers of the Church of the Mirthful Messiahs, who spilled blood and painted with it. But to be a lowblood was to do grunt work, to die early- sometimes to be installed in the helm of a ship as a living battery. To be a lowblood was to be worthless. And to be a mutant, such as Karkat, was a death sentence.

**Karkat Vantas** I was scared shitless for most of my life on Alternia. The fact that I survived past grubhood was only because of my ancestor and his cult- they made sure I wasn't culled the moment I hatched. I couldn't even tell my fucking friends about it because if they knew they'd either cull me or get culled for not putting a sword through my chest. It was fucking hell and I hated it, I hated every second of my life there-

**Dave Strider** Hey. Hey. It's okay dude. You're safe. You're here with me.

**Karkat Vantas** ... yeah. Thanks. Sorry. Can we fucking move on already?

**Ira Glass** Of course. Thank you.

**Ira Glass** Coming up next: troll culture today and the backlash against the fact that many of the gods are trolls. This is National Public Radio, and we'll be back in a minute.

**Act Three: Troll Culture Today.**

**Ira Glass** Welcome back to the final segment of this episode of _This American Life_. I'm Ira Glass, and you're listening to National Public Radio. Today we're discussing the lives and pasts of the gods, and the differences between our world and the one they left behind. This is Act Three: Troll Culture Today, and as before, we're joined by Kanaya Maryam and Karkat Vantas.

**Ira Glass** Now, you've spoken about life on Alternia, and the culture of the trolls who lived there. What have you seen so far of troll culture?

**Kanaya Maryam** We have only been here a few days, and thus our understanding is largely limited. But from what I have seen, troll culture seems far more well-adjusted in comparison to Alternian society's.

**Karkat Vantas** It doesn't have the fucking hemocaste, so it's already way fucking better than any other world I've spent time on.

**Kanaya Maryam** I have also noticed that quadrants are not considered the only form of 'romance' anymore; there are those who say that they have a moirail or a kismesis but romance is no longer forced into one quadrant as it was on Alternia. I quite enjoy that, as my own relationship with Rose incorporates or has incorporated red, black, and pale elements at times. A considerable improvement.

**Ira Glass** I'm sure you're aware that there are those who believe that trolls are inherently violent, and that your information about Alternia is proof of that.

**Karkat Vantas** Yeah, we're well fucking aware. And those people are delusional bulgemaggots, because the thing about Alternia that we found out later was that it was doomed from the fucking start. In order for us to play the Game, it had to be the way it was, supposedly. Doc Scratch- y'all's fucking White Doctor- he was messing with history using this girl, the Handmaid, to fuck up the timeline in precisely the right way so it suited his needs. Apparently he'd never heard of chess!

**Ira Glass** So if there hadn't been meddling by the White Doctor...

**Kanaya Maryam** Then Alternia would have been nearly identical to this world, yes.

**Ira Glass** Interesting. Is there anything you miss from Alternia?

**Karkat Vantas** The media. Hands down. Humans have no sense of actual taste. Alternia, for all its flaws, had masterpieces of cinema and of television- especially if you have access, as Feferi Peixes did, to the banned media whose creators were culled. Its human counterparts consistently fail to live up to the admittedly high standards that have been set by the Alternian empire. Though I will admit this world does allow individuals to create media in which a rebellion is considered sympathetic, which allows for some variety.

**Kanaya Maryam** Yes, this world's version of 'In Which An Unassuming Jadeblood Encounters A Blueblooded Rainbow Drinker Hell-Bent On Pursuing A Matespritship With Her But Instead Begins To Have Flushed Feelings For The Blueblood's Oliveblooded Auspistice's Violetblooded Kismesis As Well As The Blueblood's Tealblooded Moirail's Rustblooded Matesprit, Meanwhile Her Brownblood Moirail Is Flushing Red For Her And Black For The Blueblooded Rainbow Drinker While Trying To Hide His Secret As A Lycanbeast' entirely fails to live up to the original.

**Ira Glass** ... I'm sorry, what is that title's equivalent on this world?

**Kanaya Maryam** I believe they call it Twilight?

**Ira Glass** Well, I thank you both for coming. Are there any parting statements that you would like to leave us with?

**Kanaya Maryam** Yes, in fact. The fact that I and many of my fellow gods are trolls should not be an issue. We created your universe. That you have the gall to make these discriminatory statements, to make sweeping generalizations about our race- well. Those of you speaking of how disgusting trolls are, how violent and beastlike we are, remind me quite a bit of the Condesce's rhetoric surrounding lowbloods and humans, and I would like to call to your attention exactly what we did to her.

**Karkat Vantas** Roxy put a fucking sword through her chest.

**Kanaya Maryam** She did indeed. And for myself... well, it would be such a shame for my chainsaw to get rusty.

**Ira Glass** ... Kanaya Maryam and Karkat Vantas, everyone. This has been _This American Life_ with Ira Glass on NPR.

**Credits.**

* * *

thief of light stan   
@lesbianserket   
i can't believe that kanaya maryam, sylph of space, will chainsaw anti-troll racists on sight  
May 14th 132 871

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know nothing about ira glass or NPR except from what i've heard in the car radio when my mom insists on listening to it. if it's inaccurate, then. well. thats just how it is sometimes


	3. (we have no obligation) to open ourselves to those who do us harm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Internet grapples with: noncis, nonhet gods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first item of business: homestuck 2 electric boogaloo? i hope its okay and actually..... treats women well and gives me some vrisrezi rights. and jane and jade too. maybe some june???? hopefully???
> 
> second: so this chapter has some things that might be upsetting or just not something you want to read, including: mentions of homophobia etc, speculation about the sexualities of public figures + said figures being pressured into coming out to strangers, the use of slurs, and the use of the q slur on two separate occasions. there is also a mention of canon abuse (bro) and a character having a panic attack due to a combination of these factors. on one occasion said slur is being used as a catch-all by a person who means well, on the other occasion it is being used as a slur. please stay safe.
> 
> chapter title is taken from christopher soto's poem "[SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES] THIS POEM IS NEEDED".

naruto was good actually   
@kakashifucker69   
anyone think that mayb.... some of the gods arent cishet?? i mean we KNOW rose + kanaya are, and that dirk + jake (man its weird to just, have names for them) at least Like Men, but anyone get that feeling from some of the others???  
May 20th 420 1.6k

YES im a furry what about it   
@transdoecentral   
@kakashifucker69 oh yeah.... personally im getting the Vibes from roxy and dave and karkat! (and whoa yeah it does feel weird to say it like that)  
May 20th 9 31

J.S.   
@lordjs   
@transdoecentral Oh my god for ONCE in your stupid lives can you stop making everything about queers, I'm done with this shit.   
May 20th 9

YES im a furry what about it   
@transdoecentral   
@lordjs shut the fuck up you homophobic freak no one wants you here  
May 20th 1 12

dreamer of stars   
@imyoursimyours   
my personal HC about whos queer is that dave is pan, karkat is gay, rose and kanaya are bisexual, roxy is a lesbian, dirk and jake are both aro and gay, and jane is a trans guy!  
May 21st 3 14

harlivy stan   
@poiisonivys   
@imyoursimyours idk if we really should be speculating abt their Specific sexualities though, like im fine with saying 'oh theyre not straight' but trying to pin down how exactly feels wrong to me. especially if we're going to speculate on peoples gender + whether or not theyre trans  
May 21st 4 32

call me maggie   
@youraveragegirl   
my gods hcs: rose + kanaya are ace + bisexual, dirk and jake are aro + gay, dave and karkat r pan + nb, vriska and terezi are aro. im not sure about jane, roxy, calliope, jade, or john though...  
May 22nd 2 10

stan loona   
@biracialtroll   
hey guys if you want any pride icons with the images we've been provided of the gods, just send me some requests and ill see what i can do! i wont do anything with the bard of rage or the prince of hope, but yall know that already :)  
May 24th 31 102

Abigail Owans   
@AbigailOwans   
On Why The Seer Of Light Isn't A Lesbian https://medium.com/m/seer-of-light-isnt-lesbian...  
May 25th 126 873

Rose Lalonde   
@SeerOfLight   
@AbigailOwans I don't even know where to begin with this. Twitter, as I have stated before, is a garbage platform, and therefore I cannot fully express my disgust with you. However, I too can write articles. You can find my rebuttal here https://medium.com/m/we-are-lesbians-you-utter-buffoon...  
May 25th 30.2k 85.2k

Kanaya Maryam   
@SylphOfChainsaws   
@SeerOfLight Rose You Were Supposed To Be Making Dinner. I Was Looking Forward To Having A Nice Meal With You Tonight And Yet Instead I Come Downstairs To A Neglected Pan On The Stove And You, On Our Couch, Furiously Typing A 4000-Word Diatribe About How A Random Internet Idiot Is Wrong  
May 25th 45.3k 105.9k

Rose Lalonde   
@SeerOfLight  
@SylphOfChainsaws My apologies, Kanaya, but it had to be done.  
May 25th 39.1k 88.6k

* * *

1-20 of 1413 Works in Gods- RPF

1-20 of 230 Works in Seer of Light l Rose Lalonde/Sylph of Space l Kanaya Maryam

1-20 of 213 Works in Knight of Blood l Karkat Vantas/Knight of Time l Dave Strider

1-20 of 102 Works in Knight of Blood l Karkat Vantas/Heir of Breath l John Egbert

1-20 of 98 Works in Heir of Breath l John Egbert/Knight of Time l Dave Strider

1-20 of 23 Works in Rogue of Void l Roxy Lalonde/Muse of Space l Calliope

1-19 of 19 Works in Rogue of Void l Roxy Lalonde/Maid of Life l Jane Crocker

1-7 of 7 Works in Seer of Mind l Terezi Pyrope/Thief of Light l Vriska Serket

* * *

These days, Dave is freer than ever, and he doesn't know how to feel about it.

Back before, he could leave the apartment and shit, but only if Bro let him. He was homeschooled, for one, if you could call it schooling- mostly it was just getting beat-up on the rooftop of their apartment building, sweating under the red Houston sun until his hand slipped around the grip of the sword. Sometimes Bro would let him buy food- how fucking generous, huh- and leave a wad of bills on the counter. It was always trapped to all hell, obviously, but Dave was good friends with the delicate balance of food versus more bruises, a seesaw at the playground with the kids no one wanted to play with. Hurting versus hunger. It's something that only a few others in his life have ever really understood.

The times he took the money, stuffed it in his fist, he'd go out to some cheap fast food place and buy as much as he could. Those fucking anti-fast food PSAs where they showed McDonalds' french fries and how long it took to go bad, that wasn't a deterrent for him, that was a promise. The more chemicals in that shit the better, he thinks now, fucking stuff that shit in there. Let's make a scientific monstrosity out of this shit, an edible Frankenstein.

He'd stand under the sky and kill as much time as he could, shades jammed up on his nose so no one could see his eyes even by accident- couldn't have them getting a look at the goods, after all- and he'd enjoy the break before inevitably enough time passed and he was drawn inexorably back toward the apartment building to the daily grind of what Bro called learning and what Karkat, a year after the world ended, would call hurting.

Back then, every moment away from that place was a fucking godsend from on high with angels singing and all that shit. But it was always tainted by the knowledge that he had to go back to the apartment where Bro stood in the doorway like a silhouette in some fucking silent arthouse film where Dave had front-row seats. No words, just a jerk of the thumb over his shoulder up at the stairs to that gladiator's arena stained with blood and sweat and all that gross shit; the gesture that said _Roof. Now._ without saying it, like he was Charlie fucking Chaplin and not the man who would fuck Dave up so bad that in the end he would call the apocalypse the best damn thing to ever happen to him.

Now, there is no apartment. There is the house that they built for him and Karkat (mostly it was Jade, Roxy, and Callie working with their void-space combo move shit while the rest of them sat back and scrolled through Twitter) with its hardwood floors that creak so Dave can hear people coming and never be surprised again. There is no man at the bottom of the stairs who promises hurting with a single jerk of the chin, just the boy that he loves in the kitchen burning pans and swearing at the top of his lungs, calling up Jane and asking for advice.

Yeah, Dave thinks, we got it on lock down here.

It is at this precise moment where Dave is totally at peace that some fucking ninja of a dude taps him on the shoulder, startling Dave enough that he spins around and jumps back, and shoves a microphone in his face and practically fucking yells, "ARE YOU GAY?"

Normally he can deal with reporters. He's done it before- done interviews and press conferences and shit like that. But he's already been startled, and none of the others are with him, and when he looks up at the reporter, the man is tall, broad-shouldered, wearing a white polo shirt and an orange cap, yelling ARE YOU GAY in his face, and all of it comes to form the worst possible scenario, like some fucking twelve year old button-mashing Street Fighter and accidentally killing his own dude.

All of which is to say that Dave has a panic attack, almost faints, and flies away from the reporter as fast as he physically can.

* * *

CNN   
@CNN   
Post-release of a video of the Knight of Time, Dave Strider, being confronted by a reporter, the Gods call a press conference.   
May 31st 56.3k 112.3k

* * *

**11:11 AM, June 1st**

**Moderator:** This is the live press conference for the Gods, regarding a video taken of Dave Strider by a reporter and speculation that has been ongoing about the gods. Present here today are Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, Dave Strider, Karkat Vantas, Dirk Strider, Jake English, Roxy Lalonde, Jade Harley, Calliope, and Jane Crocker.

**Rose Lalonde:**Hello, everyone. My thanks for your prompt attendance.

**The Daily Carapacian:** So... what is this press conference about?

**RL:** This is about the way you have treated my family, and how it needs to stop. Right now.

**World News Org:** ... In what way?

**Dirk Strider:** Namely the way you have treated Dave. But everyone here has endured harassment on the part of news outlets or individuals, and it is frankly dehumanizing and detrimental to all of us. Y'all need to stop.

**ABC:** Could you elaborate?

**Karkat Vantas:** Yeah. Y'all are constantly all over whether or not we're ~queer~- by the way, stop calling us that! I barely understand the word but some of us don't want to be called that!- and you blithering apeshitting fucksacks don't have any idea of whether or not we want some goddamn personal space! It's none of your business!

**Kanaya Maryam:** Some of us are very comfortable being open about our romantic preferences. I do not hesitate to state that I only enjoy the love of other women, making me what you call a 'lesbian'.

**Roxy Lalonde:** And like, I'll be the first to tell you I'm bi?

**At this point 'RL' will refer to Rose Lalonde; RL2 will refer to Roxy Lalonde.**

**Jade Harley:** Same! [she reaches over for a high five, which Roxy returns]. 

**RL2:** And Dirk, yknow, I've known Dirk was gay since I was seven lmao- this isn't me outing him, he just doesn't like to 'use labels' cause-

**DS: **[deadpan] Yes I am gay. Yes I am homophobic. We exist.

**RL2:** [giggling] cause of that.

**KM: **Dirk's status as a [airquotes] 'homophobic gay' aside, but there are those among us who do not know how we feel, what words to put to definition- but we do not have any obligation to tell you our sexualities and- let alone whether or not we are 'cis'- that is the correct terminology, Rose?

**RL:** Yes, it is. And just to clear it up- I am a lesbian. I am not bisexual. I am not attracted to men and whoever says differently is smoking something and needs to lend me some so I can escape this mortal coil.

**Dave Strider:** Fuckin save some for the rest of us, sis.

**At this point 'DS' will refer to Dirk Strider; DS2 will refer to Dave Strider.**

**RL:** No.

**DS2:** Fair enough, carry on.

**KV:** Anyways. I'm 'bisexual' or whatever and it's frankly none of your business. Jegus, this is so weird to talk about out loud, we didn't even fucking have words for this on Alternia and now I have to stumble through a fucking press conference about it? I fucking hate you people for making this happen- 

**DS2:** Were doing this bro were making this happen etc etc obvious stair joke here.

**KV:** Gog, I can't fucking believe I'm DATING you, you asshole. You know I hate being interrupted. Anyways, SOME of us aren't sure of our sexualities yet, or we don't want to talk about them to people who will literally fucking use that solely for the purpose of monetary gain? Gog. Y'all suck. 

**DS2:** I've said it before and I'll say it again, Karkat, it is literally so hot that you say y'all.

**KV:** [blushing furiously] Can you please not undermine my statements about how we don't want our sexualities open to the public? Save it till we get home at least?

**DS2: **Oh yeah, shit. Whoops. Anyways I'm leaving now for Chinese take out, anyone joining me?

[Chorus of 'yes'es from around the press conference table; the gods begin to get up and leave].

**DS2: ** [glancing over his shoulder as he exits the room] See the rest of y'all... hopefully never? Cause I KNOW if you come after us again, someone is going to fuck you up. Not me, that's not my job anymore, but-

**RL:** Davey, what's your order again?

**DS: **Oh fuck, yeah wait a minute Roxy-

**Conference effectively ends at 11:31 AM, June 1st.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you look at kakashifucker69s icon you can tell that it is in fact sasuke in this universe, who as i stated in the comments, is definitely a troll. hes edgy and he's a cerulean blood.
> 
> if you want to know about the twitter thread that rose made about how about how twitter sucks, thats a reference to the jaderose discord's twitter RP! hexy (aka synodicatalyst/hexaes) plays rose and you can find the thread in question [here](https://twitter.com/TheComplacency/status/1178516430179860486). this twitter RP is in an AU where a bunch of the ghosts managed to find their way to earth c, so we have thus far a nepeta (@arsenic_Catnap) an eridan that we make fun of relentlessly (@princeinaship) and an equius i guess (@b100balls). i play vriska @8itchcity >::::D
> 
> i originally had a fourth chapter planned for this but it got folded into this one. hope you enjoyed this fic!

**Author's Note:**

> credits for icons and art used thus far-  
merrillstan's icon is [art](https://dalishious.tumblr.com/post/174579655512/sera-greatly-approves) made by my favorite dragon age blog dalishious.  
the medium article icon (of ellsee raines) is an edited version of the ellsee icon made by [sarcasmprodigy](https://sarcasmprodigy.tumblr.com/post/185755869398/first-batch-of-vast-error-cast-icons).  
lesbianserket and imyoursimyours have icons that were made by me using [this picrew](https://picrew.me/image_maker/33077).  
transdoecentral's icon was made by me using [this picrew](https://picrew.me/image_maker/100576)  
kakashifucker69 and biracialtroll had icons from [this picrew](https://picrew.me/image_maker/126133)  
youraveragegirl's icon is from [this picrew](https://picrew.me/image_maker/134760)


End file.
